REPORT: IKEA to start manufacturing custom made chairs for Lebanese parliament…

Swedish furniture giant “IKEA” has announced in an exceptional press conference that was held on the morning of Tuesday the 24th of September, that it has received an order from the Lebanese government for 128 custom made chairs to be placed inside the Lebanese parliament.

IKEA Chief executive officer Mikael Ohlsson said in a statement: “This is by far the most demanding order that I have seen in my 30 years working for the company {…} We once provided the Lebanese government with ONE custom made chair to a certain teacher called Mr Berry but that was a long long time ago…”

Mr. Ohlsson’s concerns about the order are mainly because of the techniques that will be used to manufacture the 128 pieces of furniture. An inside source that agreed to speak on condition of anonymity explained the complex phases that would lead up to the delivery of the units:

“The Monarchair models are no ordinary chairs” said the source.

 “We already started sending individual clay molds to Lebanese members of parliament in which they would have to sit for exactly 75 minutes; as you know, each individual has a unique butt cheek print very similar to a thumbprint, so in order for us to provide the Lebanese government with the best quality we need to have exact measurements”.

When asked about whether or not they expected obstacles or setbacks in the project the source replied:

“We already have a few issues on our hands; for example MP Walid Jumblatt has requested a mold that would require less than 75 minutes to sit in since he apparently cannot decide on which side of his butt cheeks he would sit for a full 75 minutes”.

The source then seemed somewhat frustrated and said “Quite honestly it is the unusual demands from different political camps that are the real reason why we expect a lot of delays”; the source continued “We received an insisting letter from MP Nawwaf Moussawi asking us to make sure the bottom of all chairs be metallic in nature and on which magnetic gadgets can be placed; he also very weirdly ended his letter by assuring us that of course the gadgets were not bombs… MP Gebran Bassil asked us to equip his chair with night vision goggles and MP Fouad Sanyoura tried to break a deal with us where we would sell the chairs for double the price to a gulf country and deliver Chinese made chairs to the parliament and split the profits with him in half…”.

IKEA Marketing and Sales director Suzan Shtutenk expressed her overwhelming excitement over this project: “Quite honestly, the Lebanese government opened our eyes to a whole new market segment that we never ventured into! {…} We just put into action a new sales strategy and dispatched our top sales people to negotiate deals with governments such as Syria, Saudi Arabia, China, Cuba, North Korea, Congo, Bahrain, Kazakhstan, Cambodia and Russia.” She then continued to say “If only we thought about this before the Arab spring! Countries like Libya, Tunis and Egypt would have definitely placed an order; at the end of the day if the people are going to choose representatives to be in office for life, they might as well have comfortable healthy chairs that would not eventually lead to physical disabilities…”

When asked to comment, MP Nadim Gemayel replied “The second we discovered that Nabih Berry has had a custom made chair for the past 30 years we all unanimously decided to stop attending the weekly councils, even Hezbollah agreed with me on this matter and this right there shows a huge step towards national unity!” 

MP Strida Geagea commented: “Before our chairs get delivered we will not meet in parliament! We are all equals… Why is Nabih’s back more important than mine?”. Previous “minister” Wi’am Wahhab replied to Strida’s statement asking her “Is your chair cone shaped?”

MP Michel Aoun also commented on the matter saying “Lebanese forces MPs should get electric chairs” he then accused all members of the press of conspiring against him and stormed out of the press conference.

It is expected that the cost of each chair would amount to 20,000 U.S.D; when asked about their opinion on whether or not their tax money should be spent on custom made chairs, citizen Ali Haidar replied “Fida el Sayyed Hassan!” citizen Jean-marc Khoury said “Dude yaret bi 7attoulna mennon bel skybar” and citizen Omar Itani said “jiboulo kerse zay ma hiyye” 

The Monarchairs will hopefully be delivered in early 2014 after which parliament sessions might come back to life; meanwhile the Lebanese government has received a bid from Mr Donald Trump to turn the parliament building into a hotel with custom made rooms!

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