“This is an amazing breakthrough!” Exclaimed head of the research Dr. Abin Kalbun; “After 66 years of research we now understand why, when Palestinian children die, their parents don’t cry. DNA studies have confirmed they are not like all of us. The notions of love, life, the future and family are not the same; they are in fact a type of lettuce.”
The discovery has finally explained why the CNN, the BBC, Der Spiegel and other major news agencies have never considered the women and children of Gaza to be civilians.
“Vegetables are not civilians” says German foreign ministry representative Angelo SS. Neinazi on his twitter page using the hashtag #NotCivilians. The hashtag #NotCivilians as well as the hashtag #EvilLettuce has been trending greatly on social media with people from all over the world supporting the Israeli struggle “lettuces are not supposed to have rockets! #EvilLettuce” said Kim Kardashian on her twitter feed.
In a joint statement, U.S president Barack Obama and British prime minister David Cameron stated the following
“We have been criticized many times, called biased on many occasions, accused of giving more attention to Israeli civilians and of covering up crimes against humanity; finally this research has proven our righteousness… Vegetables are NOT civilians!”;
Cameron then joked
“Next thing you know, people will accuse me of committing genocide for eating a salad!”
Upon news of this discovery, the Israeli government immediately formed a new ministry called “The Ministry of Exotic Cuisine and culinary Affairs“. The Israeli’s hope that they will soon be able to export this new cuisine to the world, expecting a 20% growth in their economy this year alone.
Dishes like “Uranium enriched baby Palestinian lettuce, marinated in elderly sauce perfectly cooked with cluster bomb fire” will soon be available on the world market with the biggest expected buyers to be Saudi Arabia, Egypt and other Arab countries.